Bittersweet

9 weeks pregnant today!

Today marks the milestone of being 9 weeks pregnant!   The rush of excitement when you find out that you are going to have a baby is unmatched.  We are so thrilled that Josiah is going to have another brother or sister and that he gets to be the big  brother this time!

If I told you that it has been all thrills, then, I wouldn’t be telling you the truth though.  Well, first of all, I have terrible morning sickness this go-around.  I was never sick with my boys, especially with Joseph.  I ran a half marathon when I was 16 weeks pregnant with Joseph and felt the best that I’ve ever felt.  Oh, and did I mention that the only thing that makes me feel better is soft drinks and pizza. Yeah, I’ve been caught shoving pizza down my throat in the middle of the night just for some relief from the nausea.  I refuse to step on the scale to  announce how much weight I have ALREADY gained!  And finally, being pregnant has triggered so many memories of being pregnant with Joseph, my first-born son who now lives in heaven.  The emotional roller-coaster of hormones doesn’t add steadiness or rational perspective to the situation either.

There’s nothing like expecting your first child!  Everything is new!  You are ignorant of all of the many hard days ahead and there is nothing like experiencing giving birth for the first time!  Everything is so vivid with your first child and you record more memories in your brain because it is so foreign to you.  Maybe I don’t remember as much with Josiah because I had them 14 months apart.  By the time Joseph was 6 months old, I was already pregnant with Josiah!  Like I said…ignorant of the reality of how much is involved with infancy and toddler-hood.  Oh, and they were both extremely strong-willed and as active as a wild horse.  Nevertheless, being a rookie mom is exciting!

As hard as those days were, I have the sweet memories of my Joseph who is no longer with me on this earth.  He was full of sunshine and charisma.  Everyone knew when he walked into the room, much like my precious Josiah!  So, I have to honestly say, this pregnancy is bittersweet!  I have to move forward with courage because I never expected anything to happen to Joseph.  I move forward with faith and trust that God holds this new baby,  just like he holds us…just like he holds Joseph.  I have to fight fear and rest that God has good plans in store for my children…ALL of my children!  I rest that the number of all of our days are known by God and he also knows the number of the hairs on our head.  He has a good future for Josiah and this baby. I can trust him with their lives.

As I remember, how Joseph kicked and rolled around during pregnancy and also his birth story, it is bittersweet.  Bitter in the fact that I wish I could hold him again and sweet in the fact that I can remember and cherish his memories through embracing a new “joy” to our family.  Joseph is a huge part of who I am and his life has formed character and joy in me that nothing or no one else could!  He will never be forgotten, even if I have six more babies. (Don’t count on it!)

Today is 9-11.  I think this is another fitting reminder of so many lives that had to “start again”.  Many of them had to embrace “new joys” after that event.  I wonder how many people just couldn’t do it.  I wonder how many people stopped living and fear crippled them.  Fear to the point of not accepting any “new joy” in their life.

Are there things in your life that are bittersweet?  Are there good things that you are afraid of embracing now because of hurtful past experiences?  I invite you to trust God with me!  Trust God that he has good in store for us; that he loves us and longs to make us fulfilled and full of joy and purpose.  He longs to give good gifts to his children!

I love you!  Live your life fully today!  Embrace and love what is in your hand right now despite fear of the past!

Joy

6 thoughts on “Bittersweet

  1. Oh my courageous friend. You continue to touch lifes with your words of wisdom. May the Lord continue to fill you with trust, hope, and anticipation for the future and your new little one. You are amazing. Love you dearly!

  2. Dear Joy, what an inspiration you are! Your honesty and the intimacy of your heart surely will help others through their difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible situations. Thank you for allowing God to use you in your “bittersweet” journey.

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